D&D SEX GUIDE

http://www.waferbaby.com/howto/havedung ... sthemedsex

the "how to have 'dungeons and dragons' themed sex" guide
09/02/00. created by swifty. no comments.

this morning, while joking around with my girlfriend, i referred to my "male implement" as a "wand of fucking +2," and proceeded to request that she make a saving throw against orgasm. she immediately lashed out at me, stating that if i ever attempted to mix our sex life and dungeons and dragons ever again, there'd be hell to pay - and not the kind of hell that you get to ever have sex with ever again. this all got me to thinking - maybe her reaction to d+d-themed sex was simply caused by inexperience in the field?

after all, everyone's scared of the unknown, and i'm fairly sure that i was the first boyfriend of hers who'd brought up the subject. so in an attempt to clear the path, not only for myself, but for countless others as well, i present to you the official guide to having d+d-themed sex.

step one: obtain a significant other with whom you can have sex. this step can either be really easy or really difficult, depending on which sort of person you are. if you've "picked up chicks" before, then honestly, this should be a snap. just use whatever tricks you have up your sleeve - money, fame, that trick where you lick your own eyebrows - and grab yourself a mate. if, however, much like the rest of us, you have to rely on your own wit, charm, and repartee to lure a mate, then you've got a very simple recourse: money. wave lots and lots of money around. "look," you might say aloud, "my money's falling into my drink! are there any women who could do me a favor and pull this money out?" sure, you might not meet the right girl, but the chances are good you'll find a girl who won't care if you call her a half-elf in bed. the sort of girl who'd date you has probably been through worse.

step two: familiarize yourself with the rules of dungeons and dragons. it's very important that you complete this step after you get a mate, because - and let's be honest with ourselves - guys who play d+d don't get chicks. there's just something incredibly unsexy about a guy who has to resort to swigging mountain dew and pretending he's a three-foot dwarf named "g'nthal-tor" in order to loosen up and have a good time. if it's too late for that and you already know how to play, do not let your mate know this. hide your books and your dice, and shove your character sheet in with your tax information. then begin to read the manuals, starting with the player's manual. and before you ask, yes, it's important to memorize all of those tables. you will always need every single piece of that data memorized. and if you think you don't, you've never played with someone who says they have.

step three: the initial encounter. at first, d+d sex must be taken slow. while the male is likely incredibly excited at the thought of donning a warhelmet and engaging in a few "melee rounds," the female, sensitive creatures that they are, will probably be less enthusiastic. that's why there's a trick up your sleeve that will help warm them on to the idea: crappy romance novels.

ask her to pretend she's in "the secret garden" or some crap like that. with any luck, you'll appeal to the side of her that loves doilies and black-and-white movies where people dance all the time, and she'll run for the spare wheelchair so you can roleplay properly. bide your time, captain - let her pretend to be "anne of green gables." after some time, indicate to her that you'd like to act out a romance novel featuring a barbarian warlord. she'll most likely eat up the notion, which is when you bring out the first piece in true d+d sex: the dice. give them a roll on the end table in the middle of "the act" and yell out "crap! wandering monster!" insist that there's some sort of zombie or orc behind her, and grab a knife or blunt instrument (which you should have placed there beforehand) and pretend to beat the crap out of something. with any luck, your significant other will be weirded out, but view your actions in an endearing light. after all, you were the fierce barbarian who protected her lily-white ass; why shouldn't she be grateful? if she asks about the dice, be prepared to, at first, give some sort of sob story about your dead father and how they were his only gift to you. if your father is still alive, now might be a good time to give her the "terrible news." it's probably best to tell her he was consumed in an explosion at the gas station. that way she can't ask you to produce a body.

step four: easing into the rest of it the next time you have sex, take the dice out again and yell "saving throw against paralysis!" if you make it, pretend that you were just yelling in ecstasy. if, however, you fail the saving throw, refuse to move. if you can, maintain your erection indefinitely, laying (or sitting, or standing) motionless. make it her responsibility to find the clues you've hidden around the apartment that describe the ingredients for the "potion of suppleness." when she makes it and gives it to you, she may be very upset. make sure to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you played along when she wanted you to stand outside in the cold with a damn boombox and a damn peter gabriel tape, and you caught a cold as a result, not to mention that she wouldn't stop calling you "mister cusack" during the act itself, and the least she could do for you was to mix fruit juice with club soda for you and pretend it was a magic potion, for god's sake.

hopefully this will guilt her into going along with saving throws. from here, you've got the bare bones of things you'll need for very quick quests. there's probably not much you can do to get her to engage in combat, so you'll have to resort to booby-traps and puzzles involving chess pieces. you may want to invest in a wireless speaker system so that when she's out of the room looking for the "ring of foreplay" or the "key to the bedroom door," you can play the part of the wizened, evil wizard, or the benevolent god of linoleum. "none shall pass," you can intone while she's pounding on the bedroom door (impatient thing!), "without the holy attire." then feel free to ignore the shouting about "i'm not wearing this degrading lingerie" and "i'm gonna rip off your goddamn testicles," and flip on the tv! hey - who says sex can't be fun? don't forget, if you play your cards right, you might be able to get something few 20th level mage/thieves ever got: butt-sex.